I wake up this morning and find it difficult to get out of bed. I lay here and let my thoughts run on and on. I realize that I have been wrong. I have made a major mistake! I have raised my children to think that this life is not true life. That there is another world that they belong to. That they are aliens on this earth. That they do not belong here on earth. What am I crazy!! I have trained them to live their lives for another man. To do everything for this other man and not for themselves! I have told them that thinking of yourself first is natural, but it will only lead to unhappiness if followed through on. In other words, that if you watch out for yourself, it will breed misery and futility. What am I doing! Why did I do that! What proof do I have that there is a God? How could I have instructed and trained them that doing all things for the Glory of God is more important than making sure YOU are taken care of by others and that YOU make sure you put yourself first! Shouldn't I have spent my time training them to watch out for others and to protect yourself from others? I taught them...foolishly, that they need not be worried about their life. That the God who clothes the grass of the fields and feeds the birds of the air will physically take care of them as well. How do I know that? Am I not being irresponsible to tell them that God will take care of them? That if they do their best to follow after Him and do His will then all the other things in life will be given to them as well? What kind of nonsense am I feeding them? Just how does it make sense to not be concerned for getting your physical needs met in this life?
Is it too late? Can I retrain them? How can I do it! Perhaps I can tell them it was all a lie. Someone wrote the Bible all those years ago and it's a big scam to control the masses. Perhaps they will understand, and then they will start to go after the things that matter like security, wealth, the esteem of others, a good job, a place in the community. They can learn how to be respected by the people in this world. To do things to please themselves. That they are responsible for getting all they can out of life. To put yourself first before anybody else.
Perhaps it's not too late for them to get what everyone else in the world wants.....Happiness! After all, it's very important to be happy. As long as your happy.... that's what matters right? Isn't that what we are to strive for? Happiness is what we want right? Well how can getting what you want Not make you happy? This world is filled with many people who got everything they wanted and then some and yet they are not happy. I don't get it! If I had what some of them had, I'm sure I would be happy! Why don't they wake up and realize that they have it all and SHOULD be happy! Here I am striving for what they have and they seem discontent! They just don't get it. I would get it if I had what they have.
Get a good job that pays good money. Try and buy a house because it goes up in value and is a good investment. Put money away and save for a later time because you may need it. Fill the house with whatever makes you "happy". These are the things to live for; aren't they? It seems like they are. It's what everyone seems to like having. What's wrong with me? I don't really care if I have those things. I have been living all over the states for almost five years and own very little, yet I have been able to stay in very nice places everywhere I go. I haven't owned these places, but I've been able to enjoy them while I was there. I've never been without a place to live and yet.......and yet I think at times that if I had this, that, or the other thing...then I'd be happy!
The lyrics of a switchfoot song run through my mind; "Nothing is ok, till the world caves in, till the world caves in, till the world caves in...................time to get out of bed..................and on my knees.

I was on my way to get my new green pin-striped nursing shirt for entrance into nursing school. There was this tall man in my class. He asked me for a ride. On the way there, I asked him where his car was.
"Well,....I lost my license for a DUI", he said. I found that very interesting. Considering the fact that at that time I was sober in AA for some 10 years! Coincidence?...I think not. As I began to do my best to get through to him about alcoholism, he was not shy with his own opinion of things. As the conversation turned to God, he espoused his "certain" belief that God is in everything. "God is in the rocks, and the trees, and in all of us. He's in everything", he stated. I politely listened. After much pontificating on his part we arrived to the place to get our shirts. I don't remember much else about that day, but I do know that the Lord had put us together for a purpose; what it was I wasn't sure, but I knew that I would be seeing him again.
During that first year of nursing school we had contact on and off. I think he was being forced to go to AA at the time so I had conversations with him about sobriety on and off. I remember him looking rougher and rougher in school that year. I could tell he was not winning the battle against alcohol. I really don't remember when, but the relationship turned at some point. Next thing I remember was him wanting to stay sober and being more willing to listen to what I had to say about staying sober. Our relationship grew and we became closer. I've learned over the years that when God puts someone in my life who has a problem with booze or drugs, then I am to share my life with them; to not hold back about my past. To tell them the way it was for me and how God has saved me from a life of living hell. We kept in close touch after nursing school too. In fact he came and lived with me for a month and a half but said he "couldn't handle it". I didn't know what that meant but he went off to live with his brother. I had given so much of myself to this man. I had been brutally honest with him, seen him give his life to the Lord as best he could and also seen great strides in his life as he allowed God to take over. He was pretty much gone from my life now. I would talk to him occassionally on the phone, but he would go off on some tangent about what HE thinks the Bible says and how I should do this and everyone else should do that; to put it bluntly, I.... was annoyed. He had gotten himself in such a mess with his own promiscuity that he had a son born out of wedlock and now the woman didn't even want to be with him or his son! ...and yet HE was trying to now tell me the things of God! I was more than a little annoyed.
I lost touch with him after that and wasn't too upset about it. I felt he was judgemental and besides, I would tell myself, he never listens to me anyway! It seemed that no matter what I suggested to do, he would not do, and the things I would suggest he not do.... he would do! While I wanted to just shake his dust off my feet and move on, I felt hurt. We give of ourselves to others in hopes of them turning things around and getting closer to God. I so wanted him to understand what I was saying. I read to him from the scriptures often and would explain so many things to him and I just felt like nothing got through. I was dejected in my spirit. I recall being resolved to the fact that it was not useless because it's always right to give your heart when you feel the Lord urging you to do so. Besides, it was worth it. I enjoyed our friendship. His life did get better. I will get over the fact that he didn't want to listen to me anymore. God bless him and godspeed is how I felt.
As the years went by, I often wondered what had become of him. How was his child doing now? I tried tracking him down on the internet a few times over the years but to no avail, until this particular weekend in May of 2007. I saw his name on a google search connected to an ipodcast of a sermon by a Chris Bogosh. When I got home that night from work, I downloaded it to my computer. It took but 5 seconds to pick up that Boston accent. I knew it was him! I found his phone number the next day through a white pages search in Massachusetts. Then I made a call........

I saw this man in the hall. He had a tube coming out of his skull on the right side of his head. It was surrounded by a half moon sized scar with fresh staples in it. I saw him quite a few times that day. I wondered who he was, and what the story was that brought him to this place. He wasn't my patient so the thought never went further than that; just a thought. The next day he was my patient. He had a growth on his brain and they did not know what it was. They went in and removed it successfully. He is 29 years old. He looks like a strong young man and seems to always have a smile on despite this tube protruding from the side of his head. We didn't talk much that day. I simply took care of him.His wife was always right there with him whenever I came into the room. They were hoping to be discharged soon and sure enough they would be. The next day before he left, he had the tube removed from his head and was looking much better. One thing that I remember as I look back, was that a man came in and prayed for him. I think it was the pastor of his church.
About a week later, I'm walking down the hall and there is the same young man who shoots me a smile like he was running into an old friend. I smiled back and shook his hand enthusiastically. He once again had a drain in his head. He informed me that he had developed an infection in the incision. They had to go back in and drain it out. Later I saw the doctor and asked him about "my friend". He told me that he had a really bad infection and they drained a large amount of fluid from inside his head that was building up and causing severe pain. The next day, he was my patient! The charge nurse on nights tries to give the nurses the same patients each day if possible. Sometimes it's not. I was glad to have him.
As I entered his room and began to hook up some IV antibiotics to his line, I casually mentioned to him, "So, are you a Christian man?" He seemed taken aback a little at the question. I explained to him how I heard the pastor last time he was here praying for him and assumed he was Christian. He told me he is a youth pastor at his church and yes he is a Christian. If it is possible, this made his smile even brighter. He started to share with me some of his thoughts about this situation that has drastically changed his life. "I have a good friend at my church and we talk all the time about things. He shares his testimony in church and with people about how he used to be in the drug/sex scene and live a crazy life. He talks about how God has pulled him out of all of these things. I used to say to God, 'I don't have a testimony. God I want to have a testimony for you too'. He went on to tell me how when he was young he remembers his mother making him go to church every Sunday and many other church events as well. How he was forced to go with her all those years and he did what he was told and eventually he understood what a true Christian was. "I never got into any of those things that my friend did so as a youth pastor sometimes I wish I had a testimony for the children so that I could warn them to stay away from that stuff and they would listen to me. I sometimes would be crying out to God 'I want a testimony'. And Now I think that this is part of why this is happening to me. I think God has given me a testimony now. My life was threatened with this thing in my head. So I think that maybe God is giving me a testimony now. This has been such a test of my faith". He paused and was doing his best to hold himself together because clearly this has been an emotional experience to him and he finds it difficult to put into words. "God has done something for me in this.......I think if I explain it to you, then it won't mean as much to you as it does to me.....It's hard to put it into words.... He has given me a testimony". He was tongue tied. I felt as if I knew what he was talking about. I began to speak.....mind you I had mostly been listening up to this point. This is a life skill that is sorely lacking in todays world. In nursing we actually call it 'active listening'. I love that phrase. It's self explanatory. I began, " Let me just say that I believe you have a testimony. I don't mean the one you are saying you now have. I mean the one you actually have already. Do you know how many people there are in the church who need to hear someone like you who has been saved from ever having to partake of the evils involved with premarital sex, drugs, and all the other so-called "big" sins! Your testimony is a strong one! God has saved you from so much. We like to hear the big redemption stories of how God pulled us out of this or that mess, but I believe you have a strong testimony especially for the young people in your church. Most likely there are more kids in your youth group who haven't gotten tangled up in that stuff yet. You can encourage them to stay safe. Let God keep you from all the pain and suffering that those types of sins can cause. Tell them the truth. That because of HIM, you have never had to experience the pain and loneliness of being addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or sex. That the Lord has kept you safe. That your wife got to marry a man who has been kept pure by our Creator. That is a HUGE testimony to those kids. I can't remember everything I said but it went something like that. He listened to me wide-eyed as if scales were falling from his eyes. He saw the truth...he already had a testimony. We talked some more, and then we realized something else. Our precious Savior did help him see that he already has a testimony, but our Lord is always at work and He gives us the desires of our heart. While in his mind he was thinking he needed a testimony for the kids, the Father knew that this young man needed a testimony.......between himself and God. Now he saw....he already had a testimony for the youth group, now he has one that he himself cannot deny. God has made himself real to him through this injury in a way that he will never forget. Its significance and meaning may be expressed to others in the future, but it will never mean to anyone else what it means to him. His tears over the gratitude he was filled with overwhelmed me also. We prayed together right there in his room. His mother sat over in the corner while this was going on. All I heard from her was the occasional, "Yes Lord". Now she was thanking Jesus as my brother and I held hands and prayed to our precious redeemer together.
Why am I a nurse? If you have to ask, then I'm surprised you read this far. There is no greater joy than to be a vessel in the hand of the Creator. I have been blessed by this encounter. Thank you Lord.

I went to the post office this morning and when I got in line, I looked across the lobby and spotted a womans wallet just sitting on the counter in plain view with noone around. I turned to the three ladies in line in front of me and asked, "Ladies, is that your wallet over there?" They all said no, so I went and got it, and gave it to the man behind the counter. When I did this, the first lady in line said, "Good for you!". Then another, "That's such a good thing you did, Good for you". Followed by, "That's your good deed for the day today." I started speaking to them and sais, "Well, God has provided me with all my needs, I don't need to take somebody elses." They didn't seem to hear me but just continued to "praise" me and my actions. I point this out for one reason:
It is a sad thing that doing what one is supposed to do, is thought of as going above and beyond the duty of a human being.
Maranatha
Daniel

I didn't know what to say.....Through a series of conversations with a co-worker, she stared at me with her mouth open in what looked like shock. She proceeded to tell me that my Christianity was all over me! "It's in everything you do! Just look at your life! You really live out your faith!! Your kids are really Christian and you can't fool kids, they can see right through a fake Christian easily. They know if you're real or not!!" I'm using explanation points to emphasize that she was speaking to me as if it was an amazing thing that I walk the walk that I talk. Like I was saying.... I didn't know what to say. Quite frankly I was surprised at her surprised-ness? I'm a little confused actually. Just what kind of "Christians" is she used to seeing? Do I stick out like a sore thumb? Am I that radically different? I think that somehow God was using me to say something to her about her own life; of which I haven't a clue. I get the feeling from her that she knows what a Christian is as she went to a Christian College many years ago and verbalized an understanding of it to me before. Were her parents hypocritical believers who didn't live out their faith? Is she not living out her faith? Has she grown complacent? In the two days that these events took place, I noticed her tearing up more than once. Why? I have no idea....but God does. I began to suspect that He is using me in her life; how, I don't know. It is enough for me to know that HE is using me. I want Him to use me whatever way HE wants to help my brothers and sisters to renew their faith in HIS faithfulness. I must tell you, that I do not believe that I am anything special. I am just one of many of HIS children. I am nothing; He is everything. I know this to be true in a very real sense. I am glad that I have been able to be an encouragement to her. We all need encouragement.
A few days later, I had a conversation with my wife about it. A totally new spin took place. It came about as I spoke with her, that I want approval from others that I am doing the right thing. That I am on the right path and that everyone in my life that may have even thought I was crazy for home-educating, or travelling, or anything else, will come grovelling to me and telling me that "You were right Dan. You did the right thing. I should have listened to you! Oh whoa is me!"
Sound egotistical? Yea, I think so too. But I can't deny that those thoughts run through me. As I talked with my wife, I began to see that it is Gods' approval that I need. Not only that, but I will never get the approval from man that I seek. Perhaps this woman at work was saying these things to me because God was having her do so? Maybe her words were an encouragement from HIM? After all, she doesn't really know me. We only met a few months ago and I only occasionally work on the same floor as her. However she was saying things to me that were extremely encouraging. She was saying things that I WANT to be true about me. That I'm really living my faith, that I'm not fake, that my walk with God is real. Now I'm not trying to say that I know with certainty that it is actually God telling me to keep on the right path and use her words as an encouragement from HIM, but I am entertaining that thought. God is a God of encouragement. He is so good to me, that I find it easy to believe HE would be that involved in my life to do something just like that. For now, I think I will allow that thought to remain in my brain.
Help me Lord to seek you in all I do and remember to always point people to YOU and YOU alone. You are the giver of true life. You help us overcome our fears, doubts, worries. Thank you Lord Jesus for giving me a new life and renewing my strength daily. You are so good to me.

I have sat at this computer many times in the last few weeks and attempted to write. Nothing has come. I decided to sit and type that. What to do... I need to get back into the rhythm of writing. I want to tac kle the novella that I wrote back in November. I need a better beginning. I need to type up a background for my main charac ter berfore really attacking the editing process of my novel. Does anyone have any ideas of what kind of man I need to be in my book?

As I sat in the living room of our rented apartment provided by my employer, we sat and talked; all of us. My wife and children love to just sit around and talk. It is wonderful. I love it and yet in some ways I try and do other things instead. Why? Most of my TV watching is useless drivel; a waste of my time. Time is a commodity and I often spend it unwisely leading to regrets later. My children have been pointing this out to me. I am starting to see it too. We began to talk of discipline. I was not doing the talking. It was the three of them.
"I definately think you did the right thing in spanking us. I don't remember you ever being cruel to us when you spanked us. It was always right! I mostly just remember us praying each time after you spanked us!" You see we were led to believe that if you love your child, then you will be careful to discipline them. Another proverb actually says that He who does not discipline his child, HATES his son! That one, I thought, was harsh. But God's word is true whether we want to accept it or not. Then my son said something. He is the one who my wife would call me about sometimes saying, 'I have had to discipline this boy 10 times today. I just don't think it's working. I can't stand it! I hate doing this. He just isn't getting it!' It was hard for me to hear those things but would usually have to take care of it when I got home. We doubted at times that we were doing the right thing. We hear it all over the media by the so-called experts; it is wrong to spank; it is abusive, you should never spank, time-outs are the way to go, it is cruel to hit a child. These things were always out there telling us we were wrong. God says to be careful to discipline your children and in so doing save them from death! That sounds kinda harsh too!
Anyways, it was Michael who floored me with his comment, "I think that disciplining us was the best thing you ever did for any of us."
I could barely believe my ears! What a blessing to hear such confidence from our own kids! They don't remember EVER being hit! They remember being guided lovingly to learn self-control. Thank you God!

Somewhere in America on an empty ballfield in the early 1970’s……………….

“Dad!! It’s gettin’ wicked dark! I can’t even see the ball anymore! Can we go home now?”
“Yeah, OK let’s go guys!” dad would yell to the three lanky boys. One of them is at the backstop/homeplate afraid he’s gonna get hit by a pitch from dad ‘cause he can barely see the ball anymore, and two in the field who get a little nervous when they hear the ball hit the bat……for the same reason. They’ve been at this for an hour or two now and all three of them are exhausted from chasin’ endless hits from one another as well as hitting endless pitches from dad. They all pile in the car and go home. No doubt there are more than a few lost baseballs scattered over the outfield this time. It just got too dark for the boys to find them. I was one of those three lanky boys. It strikes me as funny that we would complain about “playing” too much. Now that I’m a dad, I wonder where he got the time.
Cat Stevens wrote a now famous song around those times called, “The Cats in the Cradle”. It tells the story of a father who is too busy to spend time with his children. He is too busy doing what he considers important. Unfortunately, he forgets to spend time with his son. The neglect of the son does not change the fact that the son exclaims with great pride as his father walks away, “I’m gonna be like HIM, ya know I wanna be like HIM”. The song ends many years later as the dad tells the son, quote, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.” To which the sons piercing reply is, “I’d love to dad if I can find the time”. When listening to the song, all fathers’ hearts ache with the closing realization: “As I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he’s grown up just like me…..my boy is just like me……..”
The longer I am a parent, the more my opinion of him improves. As I experience the struggles and pulls on my time and energy daily, my respect for him grows. You see, I always saw my parents as “my parents”. They did not have personal lives. They existed because I existed and needed someone to grow me up. That may sound silly, but it has some validity in my mind. Clearly this is childish thinking. However, childish thinking can permeate the way we see things. I may be a grown up on the outside, but there are times I feel like a little kid again.
Now I am the parent. I am responsible for the upbringing of my family. There are times when I am riddled with feelings of inadequacy. My lack of direction in my own life is nerve racking. I am unable to even have order in my own personal affairs at times. I struggle with even taking care of myself physically! I don’t exercise as much as I should, I don’t even eat right! I can be lazy at times at work and home. I do not feel up to the task. I wonder…………….. Did my father have these feelings? I do not have to be some kind of “good person” to forgive my father and have mercy on him for all his faults, and all the things he didn’t do for me when I was growing up. He is guilty of being a human being. By definition that means he has faults. Outside of the Lord Jesus himself, I haven’t met a man who has no shortcomings. Everyone who meets my dad likes him. He is a likeable guy! He has many good qualities. He has seven grown children out in the world on their own doing the best we all can now. He made that possible together with my mom. He’s done the best he can with what he had. Can I be critical about the way he raised us? Sure I can. The difference is I no longer want to be. I want to look at the blessings instead. I am a blessed man. My father has played a role in me becoming who I am. I am grateful for him being there for me when I needed him most.

Somewhere else in America year-2006…………………
“You guys simply cannot beat me.”
“Yeah sure dad…..we beat you before!” says one of my three teenagers as we finish a board game at the dining table. We’ve been playing games all afternoon. A familiar song comes on the CD player,
“A child arrived just the other day, he came to the world in the usual way, but there were planes to catch, and bills to pay, he learned to walk while I was away…………………..” Everyone knows the words and they are singing along or mouthing the words…..it’s a classic. I grab my son as he is walking by and playfully say to him with a hint of concern in my voice, “I hope I’m not like the dad in this song. Mike, is this song true for you?”
“No of course it isn’t dad”. Says Michael…………”Well it is true that I wanna be like you!”……………………………………… As he said that I thought about my dad. Just then it occurred to me, “My boy is just like me, my boy is just like me”……………………………

A REFLECTION

Somewhere in America on an empty ballfield in the early 1970’s……………….

“Dad!! It’s gettin’ wicked dark! I can’t even see the ball anymore! Can we go home now?”
“Yeah, OK let’s go guys!”, dad would yell to the three lanky boys. One of them is at the backstop/homeplate afraid he’s gonna get hit by a pitch from dad ‘cause he can barely see the ball anymore, and two in the field who get a little nervous when they hear the ball hit the bat……for the same reason. They’ve been at this for an hour or two now and all three of them are exhausted from chasin’ endless hits from one another as well as hitting endless pitches from dad. They all pile in the car and go home. No doubt there are more than a few lost baseballs scattered over the outfield this time. It just got too dark for the boys to find them. I was one of those three boys……….
Cat Stevens wrote a now famous song around those times called, “The Cats in the Cradle”. It tells the story of a father who is too busy to spend time with his children. He is too busy doing what he considers important. Unfortunately, he forgets to spend time with his son. The neglect of the son does not change the fact that the son exclaims with great pride as his father walks away, “I’m gonna be like HIM, ya know I wanna be like HIM”. The song ends many years later as the dad tells the son, quote, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.” To which the sons piercing reply is, “I’d love to dad if I can find the time”. When listening to the song, all fathers’ hearts ache with the closing realization: “As I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he’s grown up just like me…..my boy is just like me……..”

Somewhere else in America year-2006…………………
“You guys simply cannot beat me.”
“Yeah sure dad…..we beat you before!” Says one of the three teenagers as they finish a board game at the dining table. They’ve been playing a couple different games all afternoon together. A song comes on the cd player. It’s a mix of many different songs by different artists. A familiar song comes on:
“A child arrived just the other day, he came to the world in the usual way, but there were planes to catch, and bills to pay, he learned to walk while I was away………………….. Everyone knows the words and they are singing along or mouthing the words…..it’s a classic. Dad grabs his son as he is walking by and playfully says to him with a hint of concern in his voice, “I hope I’m not like the dad in this song. Mike, is this song true for you?”“No of course it isn’t dad”. Says Michael…………”Well it is true that I wanna be like you!”………………………………………

Who's Your Daddy?........................A short story.

When he woke up this morning, the thought of changing someone’s life didn’t enter his mind. He was more focused on just how to live through the day without eating too much food, or losing his temper “one more time” with his kids, or doing the right thing as far as his wife was concerned. He’s fallen into a rut with his approach to life. It gnaws at him slowly until it sucks the life out of him. Living to please others and make no mistakes just doesn’t work too well. It usually ends in doing all the things we strive to avoid.
More out of habit than any actual virtue, Mike gets on his knees as he crawls out of bed. His prayers have been pruned. They used to be long, asking for many things to work out certain ways and for God to protect his wife and kids, to get God to do what Mike wants God to do. Nowadays, Mike says so much more with so much less. “Lord, please remove my fears and direct my attention to what it is you would have me be. I pray that you grant me wisdom and knowledge of your will and the power to carry it out”. No plea’s for protection or for blessings and the like. He has come to a point of knowledge, (or is it wisdom?), where he “knows” God will protect his family. He knows God is in control of all things and will be intimately involved in directing each of his children’s lives. He knows his wife is in the palm of HIS hand; and he knows that he is too.
It is after this habitual movement of his that Mike snaps out of it and realizes again, for today, that following God is not going to happen by trying to “be good”. A true Christian is not a man trying to be good or follow rules from the good book. In fact, no man can decide to “be” a Christian. Mike is a Christian because he was chosen by God to be one. It is God who has directed him in his life, and it will be God who keeps him on the right path. All of his effort need not be given to trying to be good or do right. Instead, all of his efforts can go into striving after guidance. What will we be doing today Lord? Show me the way. All the asking for so many things from God have been whittled away, pruned from his prayers. The instrument used to wean Mike off of asking for things is trust. As this trust in the Father has grown, he has become more and more confident in HIS love for Mike. It is a matter of fact that his heavenly Father is always looking out for him at all times. Just as his own boy Danny used to hold his hand as they walked down the sidewalk; this tiny little palm with miniscule fingers attached to it, grasping his hulk of a hand in comparison as they stroll along. Not once did Danny think his daddy didn’t know where they were going, or that daddy would let his hand go and run away leaving him to fend for himself. Even the thought of it is absurd! There never was a question! Daddy helps me; daddy…. is my daddy! If daddy brings me somewhere it’s because I need to be there. I’m going wherever dad says!
Mike leaves the house this morning with exhilarating thoughts of who it is that God is going to put in his path today. He knows that lives can be changed today. People who come in contact with him can be changed for the better. Not because of who he is in and of himself, but because he is an ambassador of the one true God. Wherever he goes, God goes with him. Yes, he is confident that lives will be affected today. As confident as a little boy is that daddy loves him……………….

As she was lying there on the bed,visible signs of torment eating away at her now frail body are evident. She may be a hundred pounds, but probably not. Her hair is almost gone. Just a few strands here and there, unable to hide her pale skull as she lies there in the bed sleeping.....or is it semi-comatose? The Cancer has been eating away at her insides for over a year. She only knew about it for the last few months. Two of her sons are standing over her as she lies there in the bed. She can't speak really anymore. The morphine dosage has been increasing daily now. She is out of pain they are told but there is no hope of survival. They are just keeping her out of pain as best they can. Both sons are holding her hands; one on the left, and one on the right. It's upsetting to both of them that she is now unable to communicate anymore. Both brothers are speechless themselves, suffering individually over the demise of their mom who is whittling away into nothing in front of their eyes over the Last week especially. All they can do is hold her hand. Both are full of emotion but unable to express it. It cannot be put into words; how it feels to watch your mother die who was at one time the rock, the glue that held the family together. Then it happened. She was looking at them now. They smiled at her. She mustered up her strength and squeezed their hands. This was encouraging. Then she did something else. She took her two sons hands and pulled on them. She brought them towards her. Both sons let her pull them in close to her in this show of strength on her part. As she brought them to her chest, she didn't pull them in to her body as they thought, instead she ever so slowly intertwined them together over her body. She was putting them together! She placed one brothers hand into the others. The two looked at each other and then to her. She had a pleading look in her eyes. It was clear; she was communicating after all. It was clear to this brother anyway. She wants us to love each other. Take care of each other as you grow. It was a powerful message; one that overwhelmed me! We held hands over her for perhaps a minute. We never really spoke about it after that, but it was clear to me that she was trying to convey to us that she wants us to care for each other because she will not be able to anymore. It's been 18 years since then. We are still in touch weekly by phone. I do love my brother very much. I often wonder if he remembers it like I do. If the message she was sending was as clear to him as it seemed to me. Maybe he wonders the same thing?...................

That's when she called me one day at work.
"Dan...............it's mum", she said.
"Hi ma. how'd it go?", I asked. Even while I asked I could sense something was wrong. Why was she calling me at work? She was supposed to be operated on today to fix this ulcer that was supposedly making her unable to eat without becoming feelings of nausea and many times throwing up. So why was she calling me so soon into the day? She wouldn't tell me over the phone. All she could say was that she wanted to talk to me in person and wanted to know when I got out of work..............can I come up to see her. Many thoughts ran through my head. What could it be? The worst it could be is cancer right? If she has cancer we can do something about it probably. Oh, God please comfort her through this. Please help me God. Please help me through this too. Help me to help her. I really don't remember much more of that day. It sort of jumps forward to me in the hospital room with her. I'm sitting with her on the bed. she is very serious in her tone. She tells me she has stomach cancer. They were not able to operate because it is too widespread throughout her body. They went in to fix the supposed ulcer and found cancer all over. They literally just closed her back up and brought her back to the room. I remember trying to be encouraging and not show her any fear or worry. I just wanted her to know I would help her through this. She seemed pretty resolved there was nothing that could be done.
Things changed those next few months. She went for some chemotherapy more for palliative treatment; to reduce the pain she was going to have as she died. She went about her life to some extent. I remember visiting her in the hospital shortly after her diagnosis and she had a bright red pocket-purse next to her. When I asked her why she said bought it 'cause she always wanted one but thought it too fancy to have......now she didn't care.....she was getting one before she died.
She didn't get real sick right away. Those chemo drugs are deadly though. They wiped her out when they did kick in. She had to get a tube put in her stomach for nutrition because she couldn't eat anymore without getting sick. If you knew her, you knew she loved to eat. She eventually also got a pain control machine she wore like a belt that could give her pain control too. In two months time it was Thanksgiving and she had been home a short while but unable to really do anything around the house. We had thanksgiving over there house. She couldn't eat with us, she couldn't make anything for us, she had no more eneergy and became simply frustrated and sad as they day went on. I seem to recall it was at this time she decided she would rather stay in the hospital than stay at home for the remainder of her illness. Back then you could do that! She was there through Christmas. I remember Christmas day. She mustered up all the energy she could to present herself as positive as she could to her family. We all went to visit her at differing times to see her and she was in a good mood for all of us. She started getting sicker right after that. The cancer was eating away at her insides at a rapid pace. She started hallucinating from the large doses of morphine she was recieving. Her stomach was bloated! It was huge! One day one of us went in and she said, "Guess what...........I'm having twins." We didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She was pleasant enough. Never mean or nasty, just losing touch with reality more and more. Her life had been reduced to trying to spit into the small emesis basin given to her by the nurse. For some reason it was important to spit. I don't know why. It had become her chore; what she needed to do every few minutes. As I was standing next to this woman, my mother,the one who raised me from a baby, the one who used to scare me at times with just a look, my duty was clear. I had to wipe her mouth after she attempted to spit into the basin and small white cotton-ball type foam would form on her lips. My duty was clear to me at that moment. "She did this for you"........"She did this for you when you were a babe". My duty was clear; I took care of my task with alacrity! There was nothing gross or disgusting about it. It's different when it's your own flesh and blood. It was just something that had to be done; in fact, it was my priviledge to do it; an honor you might say.
The doctor had told my dad it was a matter of days or weeks til she would die. There were seven of us so we kept an around the clock schedule so someone was always with her at all times. She became almost comatose for that last week of her life. We would go and visit and just sit with her and hold her hand, not much else. I remember going to bed each night that last week feeling kind of guilty asking God to please take her. This was not living to her; she was merely existing now day by day. She couldn't even speak anymore. Who knows how much morphine she was getting every hour now. We would bring the phone to bed each night because we knew it was just a matter of time...............
The phone woke me up. I don't even remember who it was on the phone. It was one of my siblings I think. She died not too long ago they said. Dad was there. "OK", I said. I almost went back to sleep. I told my wife next to me. I lay there feeling glad for her, sad for me, guilty that I felt glad she was dead. I was grateful her suffering was over. Of course I could not go back to sleep. The next week was a blur. Before I knew it the funeral was over she was buried and life was going on. My father was beside himself with grief. They were together for over 25 years and he was now alone. I couldn't even begin to imagine what he was going through. One thing that I remember from the end of her life is something my father told me. He said that he was sitting there next to her in the bed that night. Now mind you, she hadn't really spoken hardly at all for over a week. He said that all of a sudden, she sat up in bed wide-eyed and said, "There comin' for me!!"
"Who?", myfather asked.
"The angels.....there comin' for me!!" Not many hours after that she died. Perhaps we should say her spirit left her body and went to be with her Creator. I like to remember that story fondly because I too believe that this earth is not my home. My home is in heaven. I do not grieve her passing anymore. Even after the initial sadness of her dying wore off, I had a sense inside that she is not dead. She is alive in heaven with my King. I will see her again soon! Life is fleeting. Before I know it, I will be there too. While I am in no hurry, I am not afraid to die. To me it's more like a "going home" than a dying.

I was in the bookstore yesterday. I was reading through some book I grabbed off the shelf and started reading one of the chapters about how today's church is out of touch. This guy is talking about how Christians of today are misreading the scriptures and not understanding how God changes with the times and how there is nothing wrong with this sin, or that sin, and on and on he went explaining his position based on false suppositions in the first place e! It made me mad! I then put the book back in disgust of how this man has no clue what he is talking about. It's like an electrician trying to explain to us all how plumbing works and why it is the way it is,....or vice versa. It was clear to me that this man does not understand even the basics of what makes a person a Christian. It annoyed me, so I put the book back and saw...........4 more books by the same man!! My goodness! This really ticks me off! I know instantly that this ticks me off because in my heart I have some envy, and jealousy. How can he write that many books when all he has to say is mostly garbage!........IMNSHO. So I'm thinkin to myself. How can he write that many books and I can't write one? So I ask you. Why have I not tried to write a book? I really want to yet seem to be held back from the task! I think I am like many people who think they should or could write a book. I seem to have this inner passion to write but am frustrated by not doing it. A man name D. Biggs whom I don't know, said a quote that I wrote down 6 months ago. " The biggest gap in life is the one between knowing and doing". This is where I find myself. What is stopping me? I guess it will never happen unless I DO it! Thinking about it gets me nowhere. I don't think I am unique. I believe I am one of many frustrated writers. I write this more as an appeal and admission of the truth that in some ways I am not doing something that is screaming inside of myself to do. Am I lacking motivation? Am I afraid of failure or success? Who knows!....do you have any ideas?

I appeal to you. I wonder if everybody has this desire in them to write or if it is only some people. I want to reach my full potential and feel that I do have something to contribute to the world through writing. Maybe my frustration with reading such trash will get me off the couch and away from the TV long enough to write.

Daniel M.

I had a conversation in the car yesterday with my 16 year old daughter. I was beside myself with the level of wisdom she posesses. Where did she get it? She is so independent minded! She is strong in the faith. She knows the divine Creator and is a power of example to me of what a follower of Jesus is! How did this happen? I think it is because when we first had kids we knew we could not parent properly. It was this weakness in us that drove us to our knees. It was there and continues to be there that the battle for their souls has been won.
The thing I am most thankful for truly is that my children know who they are in Gods' eyes. They belong to HIM. This brings my heart peace. All three of my children are "on the ark". When you remember the story, everyone on the ark was saved and everything outside the ark was lost....forever. It is an awesome word picture. Jesus is that ark for us now. The question is...........are you on the ark? Are you trusting in Him and Him alone? I am on the Ark and so are my wife and children. I say this not with a cocky attitude but with an attitude of gratitude. I am grateful and thankful to be called one of HIS children. Thank you Lord Jesus for saving my soul. May all who read these words take refuge in the only one who can save both the body and the soul.

I was done for the day. I had a very difficult 12 hour shift. I am exhausted and want to go home as I am off for 4 days! Before leaving I see the pile of paper given to me by the charge nurse. In it is what is called a "call back" form. This is spread through the floor to the nurses. We have a number and call someone back who was discharged just to see if everything is going ok, do they have any questions, are they taking their medications, etc., etc. WE have a general script of what to say in the case of things going well or not. I've never done this before but figure it will be easy. I call, and what sounds like an older man answers the line.
"Hello, this is Dan a nurse at NCH how are you doing today?"
"Who?!"
"Dan!( a little louder), I'm a nurse at Naples Community Hospital!"
"Oh. Yes. Hi"
"I was calling for a Simone? Is that your wife?"
"Yes...Yes it is." Before I can go into my questions of how everything is going and is there anything else we can do for you, he speaks again.
"She died on the 24th." I was struck dumb. I didn't know what to say! THIS was not on the script!
" I am so sorry to hear that," I managed to say.
"Yes. thank you. We left the hospital about a week ago, and she just kept getting worse. Finally I brought her back to the emergency room on the 24th but she just didn't make it. She died that day."
"I'm so sorry for your loss. Is there anything we can do for you?"
"No.......Life goes on ya know? I'm just hangin in there."
I didn't know what to say!! I felt bad for him and at a loss for words at the same time. I wanted to bring him some comfort.
"How long were you together," I asked feebly?
"Fifty years!" He seemed to answer with a sense of satisfaction.
"My goodness. So you've lost a big part of your life!"
"She was my whole life!" He said. This is where I could sense his voice cracking with emotion.
I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. I offered him the only thing I truly have to offer. So I asked him a question.
"Are you a praying man?" I asked hesitantly, hoping for a yes in response.
"I try to but haven't been lately." He said.
"Could I offer up a prayer for you right now over the phone?"
Silence..........................
"Sir?.....Could I pray for you right now.......on the phone....with you?"
There was another pause. And then with a voice broken with the emotional strain of losing his life partner for some fifty years,.................he spoke.
"I sure would appreciate it yes."
I'd like to tell you exactly what I prayed but when I close my eyes and speak to God, especially when praying for another, I ask the Holy Spirit to pray through me to speak the words that the recipient needs to hear. One thing I do remember is coming alongside my fellow human being in anguish over the losss of the most important person in his life. That you Lord would somehow fill in the gap left by the loss of Simone. Please give him strength to go on now that she is gone.............There was more said.......but not much more..................amen
"Well, I sure do appreciate the call. Thanks for callin!"
"Well you hang in there sir".
"Oh I will. And thanks again for callin!", He said.
When I hung up the phone, I was struck with awe. I had the feeling I was used by the Creator to offer some form of compassion to a fellow traveller here on earth. It reminded me of the importance of my job. That I may be "just" a nurse, but our position is not simply to meet the physical needs of our patients, but to care for the whole patient. C.S. Lewis said once, "We do not have a soul. We ARE a soul; we have a body. It is my desire to be a nurse that does his best to meet the needs of my patients; physical, mental, and spiritual.
I'm glad I took the time to call him. It was a sobering way to end my shift and remember those things that are of utmost importance in life; the love of family.

We will be leaving Vermont soon. It has been nice to be here. We got to see our extended families some while here. It is nice to see them. I realise that I really enjoy my own family more than anything. I would rather spend time with my wife and kids than with anyone else. We will be seeing my dad next week. Haven't seen him in a while. Life is strange sometimes. I wonder and wonder to myself all the time. What's it all about? Why are we here? What is the purpose of it all? Just to exist and have kids and have them have kids and so on and so on? Life is so short! It is flying by. I am grateful we are travelling during this time of their youth. Our hope is that they and we get to see most of this country, or at least some of it. We are looking forward to going to FL for some warm weather. Grace said yesterday, "I can't wait to get to FL. How did I think I liked this kind of weather!" She is growing so much, as are the others. I finished reading Katies story so far. Her and GRace and Catherine are attempting to write a novel this month. I am personally impressed with each of their efforts. It is very interesting. I enjoy reading her stuff. She has created this whole universe and many people as well. I'm currently waiting for her next installment. My son is turning into a man. While I do get frustrated with his lack of self-control at times, the fact is that he has much more self control than I did at his age! He is growing and growing. I am impressed with his spiritual growth as well as his physical. I learn from him. He is a man of faith. I want to trust God as much as he does.
I had no particular reason for writing other than the fact that I just haven't in so long. God is taking great care of us. We have all that we need and then some. Sure I wish we had a newer vehicle for my bride, so we wouldn't have to be concerned of it breaking down, but it has been good so far. I trust my Creator to continue to provide for all our needs as a family. HE is so good to us. Thank God we do not get what we deserve. His mercy is new every day toward us.

Saturday, September 03, 2005
I am settling in to my new surroundings; same job different place. It is a challenge each time to go to a new facility and have all new people and places and things so often. While I personally struggle with the change I see it as a training ground in the Father's hands. He is moding and shaping my family for our future. He will use all of our experiences in moving and packing and moving, meeting new people and encouraging one antother as a family unit as well as all the (probably), even more intricate things we go through with our frequent moves. One in particular is the internal training we are all getting in identifying and learning to control our emotions. It is one way we are NOT like animals. We have the ability as humans to feel one thing and not allow it to direct our actions. Just because we FEEL afraid of our circumstances, or nervous, or excited, does not mean we have to respond to those feelings. Self control has NEVER been one of my strong points. The Lord is teaching me this along the way. HE is good..................all the time! HE uis training me to ACT and not re-act; now THAT is a blessing! I look forward to seeing some of my extended family while here in VT. It is already getting cold around here and they say it may get to the 30's tonight.....oh boy. The good thing is we have an awesome place to live here! We welcome visitors to come and stay for a while. Plenty of room! WE will be stoking the fireplace up soon..............a fireplace; something my wife always wanted to have!
Daniel

I graduated nursing school in Wellesley Massachussetts at the local state college there in 1997. The last semester of school, I took my first test and got a 58! I was a nervous wreck. I think it was fear. Fear of success? Or perhaps it was that I thought (subconciously), that if I don't try my best then I can always say, "well I didn't try my hardest". However if I did do my absolute best and didn't graduate, then I would somehow be the biggest failure of a person known to the world! I was so amazed at Gods ability to get me through it all. I remember using the failure on that test as a motivation. I was face to face with the decision. Do I let fear run my life, or do I grab hold of my Creators hand and trust Him to give me the wisdom and strength to succeed? I am here today to tell you that He is truly faithful. There is an old saying that opportunity comes disguised as hard work. I think this is true. I am not full of cockiness that I did what needed to be done because I am strong. When I say I succeeded in reaching my goal, it means I humbled myself. I got on my knees and told God that there was no way for me to make it through without His help and guidance; that I was destined for failure and allowing FEAR to run my life unless He would direct my thinking right then and there. I am strong.....only in HIM. I studied like I had never studied before. God provided me with a christian brother who was willing to get together with me each week; who was also in my classes with me! WE learned together and made it through. When I follow HIM and listen to my God, He gives clear direction. My problem is........i don't listen sometimes. I'll never forget the final exam. I had done so well on my other tests that I shocked myself! As everyone does taking the finals, I figured out that I needed to get at least a 70 or something like that to finish with a passing grade. Before the exam, I prayed Lord please clear my mind of all the distractions that satan tries to give me. Please remove my fear, worry, and anxiety that I can be clear minded. I ask not that you give me the answers, (although that would be nice), but that you help me maximize my ability to pull up the information that we learned in our studies. Well, HE did just that. The test was not easy but I felt very relaxed and at peace with the whole thing. I got in the 80's somewhere and completed this journey that we as a family had been on for close to 5 years! It was not a feeling of pumping my fist in the air at my own accomplishment but of gratitude to my Creator for seeing us through all of this. When I started this quest to become a nurse it seemed so far away to even think of graduating. Now it was upon me! I was pleased to just get my diploma in the mail. Well, my wife was very interested in me going to the formal graduation. I wasn't up for it. We had a pinning night for all the nurses in the auditorium AND a graduation day. THAT....was not for me! I didn't want to congratulate myself with a public display................or was I just afraid of being recognised in public for my achievement?....hmmm. Whatever it was, my wifes' statements got me to do it. "This is not for you Dan. This is for me and the children, and your father and family to be able to come see you graduate!" OH! I didn't even think of others. Sometimes, I can continue to be so self-centered. Thank God I did it because my wife said those things to me. My brother Billy and my dad came to the pinning. My wife says she saw both of them with tears in their eyes as I was pinned. I would have robbed my brother of his emotions that night. I was able to succeed partly because of his willingness to bend my schedule at work around my schooling! I would have robbed my father of the pride that us dads feel when we see our children accomplish things. I almost robbed my wife and children of getting to see their dad/husband succeed. Thank you Lord for making me see the wisdom of my wifes' words. At the graduation ceremony, we were waiting in the auditorium to be called out under the tent for our diplomas. Someone had some white tape they were using to put funny signs on the top of their caps. I asked to borrow it. I had an important message to put on my cap......something I wanted everyone to see! It seemed to take forever to get to the nursing program graduates! They finally called us up by rows. As I was over on the side waiting to go up for my diploma, I looked over..............there was my wife and three little ones looking up to me with pride and excitement. My wife was trying to get my picture. I tilted my cap to her as she snapped the picture. She told me later she was overwhelmed with emotion as she read the top of my cap. I went up for my diploma and tried to tip my cap for all to see as I left the stage.....not that anyone cared but me and my family. Written in bold letters were the words, "THANKS CATHERINE". I didn't think much of it at the time, except that I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her for being a stronghold for me through the whole schooling experience. Now however, years later, I am glad that I was able to acknowledge her there because I surely couldn't have done it without her help. I will never forget those days; the pinning and the graduation. Not because I am proud of me. I'll always remember because I saw how it all has very little to do with me. I am the priviledged one. As it says in collossians chapter 3 verse 4, "When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory". By putting my wifes desires for me to go to the graduation ahead of my own self-centeredness, I was blessed. I felt like it was a moment of HIS glory and not mine. In fact, I still get that feeling whenever I remember those days. Thank you Lord. Help me to remember to be "others" centered instead of self-centered, in all my activities. Well, that is the story of how I became a nurse. God is good............ALL THE TIME!!

So how is it that I became a nurse?
I have thought about this question and been asked this many times. While only God knows the way he laid out the path for me to come to do nursing as a profession, I'll do my best to explain it to you.
I think back to getting bit in the face by a dog. I ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. I have fond memories of the care I was given. Maybe it was the pain meds? Whatever it was, it stuck with me. One day I was working at the store when one of our employees came in with a green pinstriped shirt on. I asked her why she was wearing that. She said she was entered into the nursing program at the local college up the street. We talked a bit and I asked her to bring me some paperwork on it. I looked it over and talked with my wife about it. I was attracted to the idea of having a profession where you help other people all the time and get paid for it. The salary of a nurse was pretty good at the time also and I needed to do something that could support my whole family in the future. WE talked and prayed about it and examined the possible road ahead. Could I do it? I would have to work full time and do school, and arrange my schedule around work or vice versa, and what about the children? Well, we felt it was right. Let's go towards it but not necessarily enter the program as there was a 2 year waiting list to get in! So I took the prerequisite courses slowly. First semester was only two classes; biology and chemistry. If I had to say two courses that I think I would fail at, it was these two. I did not like science in high school. I made it through. I won't tell you all the other courses except to tell you of my experience taking an accelerated one month course during the summer called microbiology. It was during this course of 4 plus weeks that I missed a full week because I came down with .......................The chicken pox! It was horrendous! I got it from my children whom a week before I was comforting through their bouts of chicken pox because I was CERTAIN that I had them as a kid! When I mad it back to class, I discovered that the week I missed was on infections like,..............The chicken pox! I was able to pass that class anyway thank God due to her teaching style of new material every week. Four tests counted and we could drop the fifth. She let me drop the one I missed. I entered the nursing program having all of my prerequisites out of the way. My brother Billy assisted me through all of my schooling by adjusting the work schedule so I could attend my classes. Thank God for him. Well, I made it through.
I know this has changed from why did I become a nurse to HOW. Sorry about that; I just got on a roll. Someday I'll tell you about my graduation day.....

We have been in TN for a month now and I really like it. The mountains are beautiful! The hospital is excellent also. All new floors make for a very nice environment. It is a blessing to be here with my family. My children are such a blessing to us. I keep thinking that the LORD is telling me that I will be blessed to find my life in serving my family and allowing my children and my wife to help direct my steps. I get lost in which way to go sometimes. The Lord can use them to help guide me. I am grateful to be able to enjoy their company. I am typing because it has been difficult to sit and type lately. I like getting things down on paper.... or computer. Lord I desire to write. Please direct me show me the way. Thank you for enabling us to live as we are. Help us to trust you with our future.
Daniel