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I wake up this morning and find it difficult to get out of bed. I lay here and let my thoughts run on and on. I realize that I have been wrong. I have made a major mistake! I have raised my children to think that this life is not true life. That there is another world that they belong to. That they are aliens on this earth. That they do not belong here on earth. What am I crazy!! I have trained them to live their lives for another man. To do everything for this other man and not for themselves! I have told them that thinking of yourself first is natural, but it will only lead to unhappiness if followed through on. In other words, that if you watch out for yourself, it will breed misery and futility. What am I doing! Why did I do that! What proof do I have that there is a God? How could I have instructed and trained them that doing all things for the Glory of God is more important than making sure YOU are taken care of by others and that YOU make sure you put yourself first! Shouldn't I have spent my time training them to watch out for others and to protect yourself from others? I taught them...foolishly, that they need not be worried about their life. That the God who clothes the grass of the fields and feeds the birds of the air will physically take care of them as well. How do I know that? Am I not being irresponsible to tell them that God will take care of them? That if they do their best to follow after Him and do His will then all the other things in life will be given to them as well? What kind of nonsense am I feeding them? Just how does it make sense to not be concerned for getting your physical needs met in this life?
Is it too late? Can I retrain them? How can I do it! Perhaps I can tell them it was all a lie. Someone wrote the Bible all those years ago and it's a big scam to control the masses. Perhaps they will understand, and then they will start to go after the things that matter like security, wealth, the esteem of others, a good job, a place in the community. They can learn how to be respected by the people in this world. To do things to please themselves. That they are responsible for getting all they can out of life. To put yourself first before anybody else.
Perhaps it's not too late for them to get what everyone else in the world wants.....Happiness! After all, it's very important to be happy. As long as your happy.... that's what matters right? Isn't that what we are to strive for? Happiness is what we want right? Well how can getting what you want Not make you happy? This world is filled with many people who got everything they wanted and then some and yet they are not happy. I don't get it! If I had what some of them had, I'm sure I would be happy! Why don't they wake up and realize that they have it all and SHOULD be happy! Here I am striving for what they have and they seem discontent! They just don't get it. I would get it if I had what they have.
Get a good job that pays good money. Try and buy a house because it goes up in value and is a good investment. Put money away and save for a later time because you may need it. Fill the house with whatever makes you "happy". These are the things to live for; aren't they? It seems like they are. It's what everyone seems to like having. What's wrong with me? I don't really care if I have those things. I have been living all over the states for almost five years and own very little, yet I have been able to stay in very nice places everywhere I go. I haven't owned these places, but I've been able to enjoy them while I was there. I've never been without a place to live and yet.......and yet I think at times that if I had this, that, or the other thing...then I'd be happy!
The lyrics of a switchfoot song run through my mind; "Nothing is ok, till the world caves in, till the world caves in, till the world caves in...................time to get out of bed..................and on my knees.

I was on my way to get my new green pin-striped nursing shirt for entrance into nursing school. There was this tall man in my class. He asked me for a ride. On the way there, I asked him where his car was.
"Well,....I lost my license for a DUI", he said. I found that very interesting. Considering the fact that at that time I was sober in AA for some 10 years! Coincidence?...I think not. As I began to do my best to get through to him about alcoholism, he was not shy with his own opinion of things. As the conversation turned to God, he espoused his "certain" belief that God is in everything. "God is in the rocks, and the trees, and in all of us. He's in everything", he stated. I politely listened. After much pontificating on his part we arrived to the place to get our shirts. I don't remember much else about that day, but I do know that the Lord had put us together for a purpose; what it was I wasn't sure, but I knew that I would be seeing him again.
During that first year of nursing school we had contact on and off. I think he was being forced to go to AA at the time so I had conversations with him about sobriety on and off. I remember him looking rougher and rougher in school that year. I could tell he was not winning the battle against alcohol. I really don't remember when, but the relationship turned at some point. Next thing I remember was him wanting to stay sober and being more willing to listen to what I had to say about staying sober. Our relationship grew and we became closer. I've learned over the years that when God puts someone in my life who has a problem with booze or drugs, then I am to share my life with them; to not hold back about my past. To tell them the way it was for me and how God has saved me from a life of living hell. We kept in close touch after nursing school too. In fact he came and lived with me for a month and a half but said he "couldn't handle it". I didn't know what that meant but he went off to live with his brother. I had given so much of myself to this man. I had been brutally honest with him, seen him give his life to the Lord as best he could and also seen great strides in his life as he allowed God to take over. He was pretty much gone from my life now. I would talk to him occassionally on the phone, but he would go off on some tangent about what HE thinks the Bible says and how I should do this and everyone else should do that; to put it bluntly, I.... was annoyed. He had gotten himself in such a mess with his own promiscuity that he had a son born out of wedlock and now the woman didn't even want to be with him or his son! ...and yet HE was trying to now tell me the things of God! I was more than a little annoyed.
I lost touch with him after that and wasn't too upset about it. I felt he was judgemental and besides, I would tell myself, he never listens to me anyway! It seemed that no matter what I suggested to do, he would not do, and the things I would suggest he not do.... he would do! While I wanted to just shake his dust off my feet and move on, I felt hurt. We give of ourselves to others in hopes of them turning things around and getting closer to God. I so wanted him to understand what I was saying. I read to him from the scriptures often and would explain so many things to him and I just felt like nothing got through. I was dejected in my spirit. I recall being resolved to the fact that it was not useless because it's always right to give your heart when you feel the Lord urging you to do so. Besides, it was worth it. I enjoyed our friendship. His life did get better. I will get over the fact that he didn't want to listen to me anymore. God bless him and godspeed is how I felt.
As the years went by, I often wondered what had become of him. How was his child doing now? I tried tracking him down on the internet a few times over the years but to no avail, until this particular weekend in May of 2007. I saw his name on a google search connected to an ipodcast of a sermon by a Chris Bogosh. When I got home that night from work, I downloaded it to my computer. It took but 5 seconds to pick up that Boston accent. I knew it was him! I found his phone number the next day through a white pages search in Massachusetts. Then I made a call........

I saw this man in the hall. He had a tube coming out of his skull on the right side of his head. It was surrounded by a half moon sized scar with fresh staples in it. I saw him quite a few times that day. I wondered who he was, and what the story was that brought him to this place. He wasn't my patient so the thought never went further than that; just a thought. The next day he was my patient. He had a growth on his brain and they did not know what it was. They went in and removed it successfully. He is 29 years old. He looks like a strong young man and seems to always have a smile on despite this tube protruding from the side of his head. We didn't talk much that day. I simply took care of him.His wife was always right there with him whenever I came into the room. They were hoping to be discharged soon and sure enough they would be. The next day before he left, he had the tube removed from his head and was looking much better. One thing that I remember as I look back, was that a man came in and prayed for him. I think it was the pastor of his church.
About a week later, I'm walking down the hall and there is the same young man who shoots me a smile like he was running into an old friend. I smiled back and shook his hand enthusiastically. He once again had a drain in his head. He informed me that he had developed an infection in the incision. They had to go back in and drain it out. Later I saw the doctor and asked him about "my friend". He told me that he had a really bad infection and they drained a large amount of fluid from inside his head that was building up and causing severe pain. The next day, he was my patient! The charge nurse on nights tries to give the nurses the same patients each day if possible. Sometimes it's not. I was glad to have him.
As I entered his room and began to hook up some IV antibiotics to his line, I casually mentioned to him, "So, are you a Christian man?" He seemed taken aback a little at the question. I explained to him how I heard the pastor last time he was here praying for him and assumed he was Christian. He told me he is a youth pastor at his church and yes he is a Christian. If it is possible, this made his smile even brighter. He started to share with me some of his thoughts about this situation that has drastically changed his life. "I have a good friend at my church and we talk all the time about things. He shares his testimony in church and with people about how he used to be in the drug/sex scene and live a crazy life. He talks about how God has pulled him out of all of these things. I used to say to God, 'I don't have a testimony. God I want to have a testimony for you too'. He went on to tell me how when he was young he remembers his mother making him go to church every Sunday and many other church events as well. How he was forced to go with her all those years and he did what he was told and eventually he understood what a true Christian was. "I never got into any of those things that my friend did so as a youth pastor sometimes I wish I had a testimony for the children so that I could warn them to stay away from that stuff and they would listen to me. I sometimes would be crying out to God 'I want a testimony'. And Now I think that this is part of why this is happening to me. I think God has given me a testimony now. My life was threatened with this thing in my head. So I think that maybe God is giving me a testimony now. This has been such a test of my faith". He paused and was doing his best to hold himself together because clearly this has been an emotional experience to him and he finds it difficult to put into words. "God has done something for me in this.......I think if I explain it to you, then it won't mean as much to you as it does to me.....It's hard to put it into words.... He has given me a testimony". He was tongue tied. I felt as if I knew what he was talking about. I began to speak.....mind you I had mostly been listening up to this point. This is a life skill that is sorely lacking in todays world. In nursing we actually call it 'active listening'. I love that phrase. It's self explanatory. I began, " Let me just say that I believe you have a testimony. I don't mean the one you are saying you now have. I mean the one you actually have already. Do you know how many people there are in the church who need to hear someone like you who has been saved from ever having to partake of the evils involved with premarital sex, drugs, and all the other so-called "big" sins! Your testimony is a strong one! God has saved you from so much. We like to hear the big redemption stories of how God pulled us out of this or that mess, but I believe you have a strong testimony especially for the young people in your church. Most likely there are more kids in your youth group who haven't gotten tangled up in that stuff yet. You can encourage them to stay safe. Let God keep you from all the pain and suffering that those types of sins can cause. Tell them the truth. That because of HIM, you have never had to experience the pain and loneliness of being addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or sex. That the Lord has kept you safe. That your wife got to marry a man who has been kept pure by our Creator. That is a HUGE testimony to those kids. I can't remember everything I said but it went something like that. He listened to me wide-eyed as if scales were falling from his eyes. He saw the truth...he already had a testimony. We talked some more, and then we realized something else. Our precious Savior did help him see that he already has a testimony, but our Lord is always at work and He gives us the desires of our heart. While in his mind he was thinking he needed a testimony for the kids, the Father knew that this young man needed a testimony.......between himself and God. Now he saw....he already had a testimony for the youth group, now he has one that he himself cannot deny. God has made himself real to him through this injury in a way that he will never forget. Its significance and meaning may be expressed to others in the future, but it will never mean to anyone else what it means to him. His tears over the gratitude he was filled with overwhelmed me also. We prayed together right there in his room. His mother sat over in the corner while this was going on. All I heard from her was the occasional, "Yes Lord". Now she was thanking Jesus as my brother and I held hands and prayed to our precious redeemer together.
Why am I a nurse? If you have to ask, then I'm surprised you read this far. There is no greater joy than to be a vessel in the hand of the Creator. I have been blessed by this encounter. Thank you Lord.

I went to the post office this morning and when I got in line, I looked across the lobby and spotted a womans wallet just sitting on the counter in plain view with noone around. I turned to the three ladies in line in front of me and asked, "Ladies, is that your wallet over there?" They all said no, so I went and got it, and gave it to the man behind the counter. When I did this, the first lady in line said, "Good for you!". Then another, "That's such a good thing you did, Good for you". Followed by, "That's your good deed for the day today." I started speaking to them and sais, "Well, God has provided me with all my needs, I don't need to take somebody elses." They didn't seem to hear me but just continued to "praise" me and my actions. I point this out for one reason:
It is a sad thing that doing what one is supposed to do, is thought of as going above and beyond the duty of a human being.
Maranatha
Daniel

I didn't know what to say.....Through a series of conversations with a co-worker, she stared at me with her mouth open in what looked like shock. She proceeded to tell me that my Christianity was all over me! "It's in everything you do! Just look at your life! You really live out your faith!! Your kids are really Christian and you can't fool kids, they can see right through a fake Christian easily. They know if you're real or not!!" I'm using explanation points to emphasize that she was speaking to me as if it was an amazing thing that I walk the walk that I talk. Like I was saying.... I didn't know what to say. Quite frankly I was surprised at her surprised-ness? I'm a little confused actually. Just what kind of "Christians" is she used to seeing? Do I stick out like a sore thumb? Am I that radically different? I think that somehow God was using me to say something to her about her own life; of which I haven't a clue. I get the feeling from her that she knows what a Christian is as she went to a Christian College many years ago and verbalized an understanding of it to me before. Were her parents hypocritical believers who didn't live out their faith? Is she not living out her faith? Has she grown complacent? In the two days that these events took place, I noticed her tearing up more than once. Why? I have no idea....but God does. I began to suspect that He is using me in her life; how, I don't know. It is enough for me to know that HE is using me. I want Him to use me whatever way HE wants to help my brothers and sisters to renew their faith in HIS faithfulness. I must tell you, that I do not believe that I am anything special. I am just one of many of HIS children. I am nothing; He is everything. I know this to be true in a very real sense. I am glad that I have been able to be an encouragement to her. We all need encouragement.
A few days later, I had a conversation with my wife about it. A totally new spin took place. It came about as I spoke with her, that I want approval from others that I am doing the right thing. That I am on the right path and that everyone in my life that may have even thought I was crazy for home-educating, or travelling, or anything else, will come grovelling to me and telling me that "You were right Dan. You did the right thing. I should have listened to you! Oh whoa is me!"
Sound egotistical? Yea, I think so too. But I can't deny that those thoughts run through me. As I talked with my wife, I began to see that it is Gods' approval that I need. Not only that, but I will never get the approval from man that I seek. Perhaps this woman at work was saying these things to me because God was having her do so? Maybe her words were an encouragement from HIM? After all, she doesn't really know me. We only met a few months ago and I only occasionally work on the same floor as her. However she was saying things to me that were extremely encouraging. She was saying things that I WANT to be true about me. That I'm really living my faith, that I'm not fake, that my walk with God is real. Now I'm not trying to say that I know with certainty that it is actually God telling me to keep on the right path and use her words as an encouragement from HIM, but I am entertaining that thought. God is a God of encouragement. He is so good to me, that I find it easy to believe HE would be that involved in my life to do something just like that. For now, I think I will allow that thought to remain in my brain.
Help me Lord to seek you in all I do and remember to always point people to YOU and YOU alone. You are the giver of true life. You help us overcome our fears, doubts, worries. Thank you Lord Jesus for giving me a new life and renewing my strength daily. You are so good to me.

I have sat at this computer many times in the last few weeks and attempted to write. Nothing has come. I decided to sit and type that. What to do... I need to get back into the rhythm of writing. I want to tac kle the novella that I wrote back in November. I need a better beginning. I need to type up a background for my main charac ter berfore really attacking the editing process of my novel. Does anyone have any ideas of what kind of man I need to be in my book?